This feels weird.
Yesterday was the day I had been dreading. Exactly 1 month from my cancer diagnosis was the day we shaved my head. I didn’t have a choice - it was all coming out anyway, so might as well make the most of it. I’m so glad the kids got to be a part of it. I feared they would see me differently or act weird around me with no hair, but they haven’t - except for the fact that Harrison said I look like a boy, and then Maggie interjected that at least I would make a pretty boy. My kids are resilient and I love them a lot.
I don’t hate this buzz cut, which makes it even harder that I don’t get to keep it. It’s all still going to fall out - and a lot of it has already (you should see my pillow). When I took a shower today the water hit my head and little 3/4 inch gray and brown hairs flew everywhere. It’s pretty patchy now and I suspect I’ll be totally bald in a few days. Monday I have a virtual appointment with a fancy Beverly Hills wig store called The Wig Fairy to pick out a wig. I’m sure I won’t wear a wig every day, but I feel comforted knowing I’ll have a disguise that allows me to blend in when I need to hide a little. I have also purchased and received several scarves that I’m sure will become my day to day look. Next up will be my eyebrows and eyelashes which are already started to thin out - did you know that ALL of your hair falls out? I don’t think I knew that. It’s a weird experience to watch yourself transform so quickly into something so unrecognizable. I have to think going through chemo is a much different experience for women than it is for men. So much of our life is focused on appearance - primping and fussing and shopping. I know that my confidence and self worth isn’t dependent on my looks, but I know I always feel better when I know I look good. I’ve always been the type of person who needed a new outfit for every occasion - dates, interviews, vacations, etc - it just made me feel better about myself. My vanity will surely be tested going forward in this journey and maybe that will cause a change for the better.
I’m sure I will get used to looking at myself in the mirror eventually - but I’m not there yet. I’ve been reading a lot of other people’s stories and that has made me feel so much better. Stories of confident young women going through the same thing. Women with young kids or no kids, some still in their twenties with far more serious diagnoses than me, some with much better outlooks on their futures. I’m so grateful for these other women who have shared their stories on social media that I can look toward and learn from and be inspired by. I hope that I can be that same inspiration to other people someday too.
Can I also take a moment to thank my incredible husband? He doesn’t read the blog, so I’m always sure to thank him in real life too - but I want to make sure everyone knows how rad he is. (He says he doesn’t need to read the blog because he’s living it - but I think it’s because it makes him sad). Not once in the past month has he been anything less than amazing. He is taking care of me and the kids and working full time from home and doing all the housework and anything else that we need of him. He won’t allow anyone to talk about the what ifs and worst case scenarios and he keeps reassuring me that he’ll always think I’m beautiful - like to an annoying extent including inappropriate comments about sexy wigs he thinks I should get (but I would expect nothing less from him). Men like this are not to be taken for granted and trust me when I say I don’t. I know how lucky I am.
