The Countdown
I knew when I left the hospital a few weeks ago that the countdown had begun for my next chemo cycle - and that thought has been on my mind every second of every day since. Well, we’re finally here to the last few days of relief before the poison makes it’s ugly return. I’m so glad that this round will be spent at home and not at the hospital though. The thought of spending another week in the hospital sends panic deep into the pit of my stomach. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there aren’t any side effects that would result in me rushing to be admitted - but for now we’re planning on me spending the full five days chemoing at home. The hospital ordered me a pump which I’ll bring with me on Monday to the cancer center to get hooked up. My first infusion bag lasts for 4 hours, then I get 4 red devil bags which last for 24 hours each, followed lastly by a half hour bag to finish up the cycle - that’s over 100 straight hours of chemo for those of you keeping track. That also means I’ll be returning to the cancer center at the hospital every 24 hours to get the bags swapped out. On Monday I’ll be staying there to complete the 4 hour bag and then get hooked up to the first red devil and head home. It will be very weird to have poison pumping into my body while hanging out at home, but it’s so much better than the cold, lonely, uncomfortable hospital. I’ll have to be careful not to touch anyone while on the bag and then again for 48 hours after the chemo ends - I’m sure Eric and the kids will be a little weirded out at first.
Can I tell you how great I’ve felt this week? This whole week I’ve finally felt like myself again - no nausea, no headaches, able to sit up and get off the couch and actually accomplish a few things I’ve been putting off - like unpacking my suitcase from my last hospital stay. I can’t express enough to those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of going through chemo just how frustrating it is to not be able to do simple household chores. For the week I was getting chemo and the whole week after chemo, I wasn’t able to sit-up for more than a half an hour, let alone try to stand and do dishes or cook a meal. Staring at a screen or book for more than a few minutes was totally out of the question. It had been so bad for so many days I was forgetting what it was like to feel good. All of that changed this week - I’ve felt totally back to normal. I was able to go into the doctors office and get my blood drawn without feeling like I was going to pass out - I even drove myself to one of my appointments! That was my first time behind the wheel since before I started my treatment - It’s the little things that make you appreciate where you are and how far you’ve come. I’m trying to enjoy this feeling as much as possible because I know it won’t last long. This cycle reminds me of giving birth - stay with me. When I was in labor, there was a monitor hooked up to my belly that would show when the contractions were about to come, when they were peaking, and when the relief was about to hit. This is how my new chemo life is going too - I have a week of poison, a week of nausea and intense bone pain, and then a week of feeling good - all in time to start it all over again. As someone who loves a schedule, this process works for me. I know I’m going to feel like shit, but I also know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know this relief is coming in order to stay motivated to stick with it. I know this process is working and worth it. For now my plan is to enjoy my weekend as much as possible - maybe even squeeze in a kid-free evening with the husband.
This was my first week as a bald woman. I wore caps and scarves when I had to leave the house, but of course I could see kids stare at me sitting in the waiting room of the hospital. I tried to smile at them in a way that would make them feel more comfortable - but then I remembered that nobody can see my smile with a mask on. Usually at home I don’t keep anything on my head, which is probably what feels most comfortable. I often forget there’s nothing there and just think my hair is up in a knot. At one point this week I went outside to grab the food that was being delivered (with my mask on of course) and when I came back inside, I said to Eric that the lady was so nice, like over the top polite - they’re not often like that. And then I realized what I looked like. I got a good laugh out of that. Hey if my appearance makes people nicer to me, then I’ll take it. We can all use a little bit more kindness in the world.
In other good news - I got my fancy wig! So, as much as I was really liking the look of my buzz cut, it quickly evolved into a very sad looking mohawk of stubble - like the opposite of male pattern baldness where I just have this strip of hair on the top of my head, but the sides and back are totally bare. This week I experimented with some fun scarves and caps - I think I like the scarf look more. There’s an Instagram page for a company out of Australia called Bravery Co. founded by a cancer survivor named Emily who has posted video tutorials on how to tie her beautiful designer scarves in so many pretty ways. I actually have a few of her scarves on the way from AU courtesy of my lovely girlfriends and I can’t wait to get them. I think scarves will be my day-to-day look and the wig will be for times I want to dress up and look more like the old me (but better). So this wig is pretty awesome - on Monday I had a virtual appointment with Mona, the owner of The Wig Fairy in Beverly Hills, and she walked me through the differences between the different hair they use - each ethnicity of hair has different qualities - some hold curl longer, some look softer, etc. It’s really an amazing process and once we decided on the color and level of wig, I texted Mona a few ideas of styling (things from my Pinterest page that I’ve never been able to achieve with my own styling ability). Then Thursday I got a text that my wig was ready. This was perfect timing since my sister Heather was driving down from San Francisco on Friday and could swing by her shop and pick it up on the way to Orange County. Of course there was a slight hiccup when Bank of America flagged the charge as fraudulent - I mean after months only spending money on Amazon and GrubHub, I guess an expensive purchase at a store in Beverly Hills would stand out. So, yesterday afternoon I got to try it on and it’s amazing (see below). The color totally matches what I’ve always done with highlights - she even matched my natural color to the roots to make it look natural and it has lace lining the front to mimic my hairline and make it look like it’s growing right out of my head. It will take some getting used to, but I’m glad to have something that will make me more confident to face the world where now the only stares I get are because my hair is so gorgeous.
Now on to enjoy my weekend.
