The Hair Update
It’s finally happening! I was told it would happen two weeks after starting chemo and they were right. I tried to brush it out before I showered, but that was clearly not going to work out well. I can’t get a brush through it without a handful of hair coming with it. I think that means tomorrow will be hair cut day. It’s so weird and gross and every time I get a handful of hair it makes me laugh because it’s just so strange, but then of course I start crying. I knew it would happen, I thought I was prepared for it to happen, but turns out no. Not at all. And it’s not all about vanity either. Don’t get me wrong - I think I will be hideous without hair, but I’m okay with that. I know this is part of the process to get me to remission and I’ve accepted that. The part of this whole thing that I’m terrified about is that once my hair is gone, I am going to look sick. There will be no more hiding from this illness, no more pretending that I’m fine, no more blending in when I’m out in public. Everyone from here on out will know I’m sick just by looking at me. Since my diagnosis I’ve heard so many times that I still look good or look healthy - I get stares when I’m on the cancer floor or in the chemo wing of the hospital because I don’t look like I belong there. But now I will. I will look like I have cancer and I’m struggling with that a lot. I don’t want people to pity me or judge me or stare at me. I just want to blend in. But now I’m going to be that bald girl who definitely looks sick.
I will definitely be getting a fancy wig - something that makes me look and feel more normal - something with pretty highlights and soft waves which I wouldn’t be able to achieve with my own styling skills. I know my husband will still love me and think I look beautiful, but of course part of my worry will be that he’ll look at me differently too. I’m afraid my kids will be scared of me because I won’t look the same. It’s going to be an adjustment for all of us. I’m sure looking in a mirror will be startling for a while too.
So the plan is that tomorrow morning my mom will come over and we’ll let the kids cut it with scissors and then my mom will buzz it - I’m thinking I’ll go down to 3/4 inch - but if it looks too patchy, we’ll have to go shorter. Wish me luck.
