Post Chemo Life
I’m not gonna lie - it’s been a rough transition back into normal life. It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I left the hospital for the last time and I’m definitely still in recovery mode. I’ve been more tired than I’ve ever been in my whole life - like sleeping 15 hours a day and still being tired. I’m not sure why I’m more tired now than I was during chemo, but I’m trying not to stress about it. I guess it’s my body and my brain telling me I need rest and I’m going to allow myself to be selfish and rest as much as possible. Last Monday the kids didn’t have school so I took them to the beach for a walk for about 2 hours and when I came home I immediately fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake up till nighttime. It’s like I just can’t get enough sleep, but I’m thankful I have this time to give in and just stay in bed all day if that’s what my body is telling me I need to do.
We have been trying to be more active lately - still doing yoga in the morning before school and taking walks when we can. Walking on the beach felt so good like I could finally breathe deep and really soak it all in and really start to process this experience. It’s a lot - cancer during a pandemic with a side order of political unrest. I’m not sure when I will allow myself to mentally process it all, like really dig deep and analyze what happened and what I’ve been through, but I know I’m not ready for all of that yet. I need to focus on my body and my energy and my strength then I can delve into the rest. Getting diagnosed with cancer is really like attending your own funeral in a way. So many people will reach out and tell you how they feel and that part is really nice - it lights a fire and encourages people to say what they’re feeling. What a great gift that is and a reminder to everyone to tell people you love them and tell them what they mean to you because tomorrow is not guaranteed. I have a lot of love and support in my life and it was very reassuring to have so many people tell me they were thinking about me and wanting to know how they could help. It’s also very eye-opening to see who doesn’t reach out too - but that’s all part of the trauma I’ll have to deal with at a later date.
In addition to the extreme fatigue, I’m also struggling with some severe body aches. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve been laying around for the last 8 months not using my muscles at all somedays and now I’m trying to build that back up. My bones and muscles and joints all hurt all the time. I can’t wait to get a professional massage as soon as it’s safe enough to go to a spa - for now I’m enjoying lots of foot rubs from the kids. Oh and I bruise really easily now too - and bleed really easily. I’ve been getting nosebleeds pretty frequently. Something to do with my low platelet count. Hopefully that will improve over time. My skin is still really dry and my nails are super thin and brittle too. The most annoying side-effect has been the watery eyes though. I heard about this one from other cancer people and some say it lasts for years after treatment. It’s like I’m constantly crying - tears just streaming down my face at all times. It makes it really difficult to see or drive too. I’ve been taking allergy pills to try to help, but no such luck. I’m going to stick to big sunglasses until I can get this under control.
Last weekend we went to my mom’s pool so I could finally go in the hot tub without my PICC line. I could totally submerge myself in the water for the first time since the 4th of July last year and it was great. I didn’t have to worry about my gross exposed arm or getting my tubes wet, I could just jump in. I could have stayed in there all day.
Last week I also had a few friends visit (at separate times and from a safe distance with masks on). It was the first time I’ve seen friends in months and the first time I’ve seen these friends since before starting treatment. I was starting to forget what it was like to talk to people in real life. It gives me a lot of hope that someday soon we’ll be able to get back to pre-COVID life when there were things like parties and concerts to go to.
For Valentine’s day we took the kids to a fancy brunch in Huntington Beach with an ocean view. It was really fun and special and I was able to finally have a cocktail (or two). Then we walked down the pier and watched the surfers and soaked up the sunshine.
I’m hoping my energy will get better and my strength will return soon, but it’s baby steps for me and that’s okay.
