Get Busy Living
Life has certainly been busier lately, but I wouldn’t say it’s back to normal… whatever normal is.
I’ve been getting out more and not just for doctors appointments. We’ve gone on more walks on the beach as a family and we’ve even gotten another date night. Last week Maggie and I ventured up to LA to drop off my wig at the wig store for a wash and new styling and got to have lunch just the two of us which is certainly a rare opportunity and then when I drove back to LA a few days later to pick up my wig, I was able to have lunch with some friends I haven’t seen in over a year. Seeing people in real life feels so strange and emotional and I want to do more of that. I definitely need more practice with my conversation skills after a year of quarantine but more than that, I was just so damn happy to see my friends. I don’t know what I did to get so lucky, but I really have the best friends - friends that care so deeply about me and truly love me. There was time last year when I wasn’t sure if I would get to see my friends again. It’s a dark path when the “what ifs” creep in and it’s inevitable that you face the hard truth that life is fragile and tomorrow is not guaranteed and I’m just so glad that I’m past that darkness and facing toward the rest of my life. Seeing my beloved friends face to face made me realize how much I’ve missed them, how much I need them, and how much I love them. I can’t wait to get to see more people I love - even if I can’t hug them yet.
Other than that, my days have been filled with zoom classes and lots of naps. I’m still struggling with this fatigue but I do hope it’s getting better. I’m now taking Vitamin D and Magnesium supplements to help with the fatigue - haven’t noticed a change yet but I’ll stick with it anyway. I’m a little nervous to see how my body responds to going back to work and not getting to nap every few hours. I’m sure my body will adjust and maybe I’m just napping more now because I have the time. I guess we’ll see. I’m going back to work in about 10 days (March 15th). I’m very excited about it though - I think it will be a good distraction and I’m looking forward to the sense of accomplishment and pride that my career always provided. It may take some time to get back in the swing of things, but I know I’ll get there and that will be a great achievement. And luckily I’ll still be working from home for the time being. I wouldn’t feel comfortable at all going back into an office building - not until I get the vaccine at least.
I know that I will miss this time I’ve had to be home and with my kids and husband. It’s such a strange thing to think that I’ve been home now for a year and not working for 8 months. It’s such a blessing and one I don’t take for granted that I’ve been allowed to have so much time off to get through treatment and let my body recover and just focus on myself. I’ve been a working mom since I became a mom and this is the longest I’ve been able to be with my kids during the day and the most involved I’ve ever been with their schoolwork. It’s been amazing to be with them while they’re in class and help with school projects and homework. It’s certainly brought us all closer and this is a time in our lives we’ll never forget and I think one that we’ll look back at fondly. That year we were all locked in a house together and also the year I had cancer. Our needs as a family have been reduced and more focused to the needs that are most important - getting healthy, being together, and feeling safe.
Last Friday Eric and I went out on a date night to a place we’ve been wanting to try forever - Broadway in Laguna Beach. It definitely didn’t disappoint and is our new favorite restaurant. We had a perfect evening getting to sit outside under the twinkle lights drinking all the gin cocktails and staring at each other and giggling like we used to. We even got some surprise visitors - my sister Sammy and nephew Trent who happened to be downtown Laguna at the same time. It was awesome to see them for the first time since I finished treatment and give them safe masked hugs. Such a fun night and amazing food - we’ll definitely have to go back soon.
Last weekend the nerves started to kick in for my latest PET scan which was on Monday. This will be my first scan since December before my last 3 rounds of chemo. I had to keep reminding myself that there’s nothing I did to cause my cancer and it’s not my fault if it comes back. There’s such shame and guilt and self blame that comes with cancer where it will feel like I’ve failed if something comes back on the scan. I was really good all weekend making sure not to eat any carbs or sugar or alcohol so that the scan will be as clear as possible. Monday morning my mom picked me up to take me to the hospital bright and early. We have the whole routine down now since this was my 4th PET scan where my mom can walk around to the back of the hospital where the mobile PET scan trailer is and that way she can wait with me while the radioactive dye is working its way through my veins. I think we both look forward to this time together. I wasn’t nervous at all on Monday getting the scan done - what a difference from that first scan I had done. It’s hard to even remember what I was going through back then - all the way back to last June before I was diagnosed. I remember being in so much pain that I was shaking and barely able to hold still. Laying flat on my back was excruciating because of the pressure of my tumor on my hip and back. I’m so glad those days are over. I haven’t had any pain from the tumor in months which is such a relief.
I have a meeting next Wednesday to see my oncologist and discuss the results PET scan, but I asked him to send me the results first just so there won’t be any surprises. I got the results yesterday and am still trying to sort them out. From what I can see it looks like the size of the tumor is getting smaller. It’s now measuring 3.2 cm down from 3.6 at my last scan which is good. However, there are some issues on the scan that I’m scared about. Something about a spot on my lung (could be nothing) and a ascending thoracic aorta (yikes). Again my oncologist said these results are “better” so I’m trying not to stress too much and I know not to google it, so we’ll just have to wait and see what he say about those other findings.
Oh and guess what I get to do tomorrow? Who guessed oral surgery? I’ve been having some mouth pain that I’ve been ignoring, but I figured while I’m out on disability I might as well get it taken care of too. I’m trying to listen to my body and not to hide when I’m in pain. I’m proud of myself for getting this taken care of and not ignoring it like I used to do.
Hair Update! I’m so excited about the progress my little head has made. I don’t hate this new look at all and it feels so good to go out without a beanie or wig. It’s really amazing to see how quickly my appearance has changed. I feel like my skin is improving, my puffy face is going down, and the bags under my eyes are getting better (see below for months 1-4 comparison). I still think it’s coming in curly or wavy at least and I can’t wait for it to get a little longer so I can style it more.
