Well, that’s not how I thought this would go.
As you all know, today was my first appointment with my oncologist. Naturally I have been anxious to hear the results and plan for treatment, but with the increasing pain, I just want to get this show on the road to relief. Well, I guess I got what I wanted. The meeting with the oncologist didn’t go as plan. I was fully prepared to hear stage 3 or 4 with a plan to start chemo this week, maybe going once a week for 6 weeks while still getting to live at home with my family. I was not prepared for Bulky Stage 2 Double Hit Hybrid Lymphoma. We watched the video of the PET scan - you know in movies where someone has cancer and you see the scan scroll over their body and it just lights all up. That was me - there on the screen. My whole torso illuminated with radioactive cancer. (See Picture) I could feel the blood drain from my face immediately. He explained that of the 3 mutations that can appear with lymphoma, i have 2 of them (hence the double hit). He also explained that most lymphomas grow at a rate of 20-40% while mine is growing at a rate of 95%. Due to this rapid growth and aggressive type of cancer, we need to treat more aggressively too. He is recommending that I be admitted to the hospital tomorrow and stay at the hospital for a week to receive 5 solid days of chemo and then return home for 2 weeks to recover, then back to the hospital for another 5 days of chemo. This will be my life for the next 4-6 months. He said that this type of lymphoma has a 60% success rate. Oh and this is supposedly a good percentage! I have a 60% chance that they can get rid of the cancer. I don’t know about you, but this seems bad to me. I asked how long he thinks I’ve had it and he said based on the growth rate, it showed up sometime at the beginning of the year. That’s all it took, just a few months to grow to the size of a grapefruit and mutate twice. It’s really hard right now to deal with the overwhelming feelings of it’s not fair and why me - Painful images of my kids growing up without me & my husband getting hit on because he’s the cute widower. I’ve officially reached the basket case stage of my cancer diagnosis. I know I can’t think like this though. I know I need to stay positive and optimistic and focused on the goal - which in case you’re wondering is to not die. Bucket list item for 2020 - Just don’t fucking die. I know my doctor is doing what he believes to be the best plan of attack and I’m 100% determined to be his shining success story. I just have to give myself a new pep-talk every other minute to remember why I need to fight, how strong I am, and bad I want to live. I don’t think he would be suggesting the same treatment if I were 70 years old, so clearly he thinks I’m strong enough to get through this, I just need to believe it too.