Chemo Day One
Today was a hard one! Saying goodbye to my family AGAIN to face the unknown is just the most brutal thing to go through. Not being able to have visitors in the hospital is just so cruel - certainly makes this whole process so much harder. I just wish I could look to the couch in my room and see my mom and husband and kids running around pressing all of the beeping buttons. It would be far less lonely here if I could have them by my side. On par with how my stay at the Kaiser in Irvine was, my first day at the Anaheim Kaiser was filled with long conversations with my amazing nurses. I’m constantly blown away with the kindness of the nursing staff and I’m so grateful to have them as my “temporary dysfunctional family” as my nurse Karen put it.
So get this, after the excruciating morning packing and saying goodbye to my family, I arrive on the 6th floor to be greeted by my nurse Karen. She walks up to me like she recognizes me and says, “Hi Molly, you’re here.” At first I thought that perhaps I had met her during my stay in Irvine - but that wasn’t the case. She let me know right away that she’s a part of the same OC Moms Facebook group as me and she had seen my post with this website and blog and that she’s been following my journey. She knew me from my website!?! How weird is that. She said she read my story and was excited to see my name on the intake form this morning. Small world huh? Plus she wasn’t even supposed to be working today but she picked up a shift at the last minute. I think it was certainly meant to be.
I quickly got settled in my new room for the week and they wasted no time in getting this process going. First up was getting a lumbar puncture (also known as a spinal tap) - and I’ll be honest, this really freaked me out. The biopsy from a few days ago was still fresh in my mind and this was a similar situation where I would need to be on my stomach during the procedure. This one too would include several injections of lidocaine which is the painful part of these procedures. Feels like a bee sting and then burning as the injection goes in - and this one would be directly in my spine. The goal is to drain some of my spinal fluid and then replace that fluid with chemo directly into my spinal column. This is supposed to prevent the cancer from traveling to my brain. The whole team in the radiology room was great to help explain what they were going to do so there were no surprises. The nurse down there, Mark, was very kind and talked to me the whole time and asked me about my kids and had me squeeze his hand to avoid tensing up my back. It felt similar to getting an epidural - but when they put the needle in your spine, there’s a weird sensation like they’re hitting a nerve and your body has this involuntary spasm. Luckily this was over quickly and then I was being rolled in my bed back to my room.
Next up was the PIC line - this is the preferred method to get the chemo into my body as opposed to an IV. It’s a line that’s placed on the inside of your upper arm that they use an ultrasound to place so that the line goes straight to the heart. This line will also be used to take blood everyday so they won’t need to stick me each time. This line will also stay with me when I leave the hospital next week. They said the PIC lines can stay in for up to a year - and as long as it doesn’t get infected, I’ll have this same one for the duration of my 4-5 month treatment. This is in place of a port, which is what they put in for most people in chemo, so I’m glad I don’t need that - one less thing.
Once I had the PIC line in place, they could start the chemo. So, just before 4pm I started my first round. They’re starting with the Rituxan. It took 4 hours for this whole bag to go through and I had a nurse with me the entire time. This was so the could monitor me closely and make sure I wasn’t having any bad reactions. They took my vitals every half hour as well. They said the most common reactions to this drug is either a high blood pressure or low blood pressure. Mine stayed normal the whole time, so I guess I passed. They’ve been trying to keep me comfortable, as impossible a task as that may be, so I’ve been getting a lot of pain meds too - Oxy pills and Morphine injection. I’m still having pain from the tumor, but I’m really hoping these first few treatments will start to shrink the tumor and give me some relief from that pain. Right now I just feel worn out and banged up. My back is sore too - but I think that could be from the spinal tap.
After the Rituxan was done, I had about 20 minutes break and then began the next bag of chemo. This one is a combination of 3 drugs - Etoposide, Oncovin, and HydraDoxorubicia. This bag will take 24 hours to be complete, so that will be my whole day tomorrow. Then more on Friday and then a break on Saturday. Then I’ll have the last drug Cyclophophonica on Sunday. I’m hoping to be released on Monday to go home.
The nurses have been so great to help explain everything that’s happening and write down my whole schedule so I can keep track. As a list maker, this is helpful so I can start checking things off this long list of treatments - each check off the list is one step closer to home.
As I sit here late at night in my empty room, I’m thankful for the small things - reruns of Seinfeld, all the pillows, podcasts, dozens of texts and messages from friends and family, and this blog to be able to share what I’m going through and how I’m feeling. It’s hard not to be sad and scared - but I know my job now is to fight. And by fight, I mean lay here and try to stay positive. That’s another thing Karen told me - the fight that we go through in Chemo is a fight with ourselves to stay strong and not lose hope. The poison going into my veins is not the fight - the fight is internal. It’s a choice I’ll have to make every day to stay focused on the prize - the goal - to be cancer free and back home with my family.
Something else I learned today was that my hair will definitely be falling out - because of the specific drugs I’m getting - and that will start to happen in the weeks I’m home in between the 1st and 2nd cycles - they’re suggesting I cut it off before coming back here in 3 weeks. With COVID - this is longest my hair has been in years and I’m more than a little nervous to see myself totally bald. Plus with all of the salons closed, I’m going to have to let my husband shave my head. Wish us luck.
