The Incredible Shrinking Tumor
Today I got to go in and meet with my oncologist in person so I could see the new images from my latest PET scan. I knew that the results were great from what he had already told me, but for some reason I was still nervous to go in. I’ve been very cautiously optimistic about this whole process and rightfully so considering all of the setbacks I’ve had. It’s been a very “two steps forward, one step back” experience. Today’s meeting with my doctor was no different, but at least they always start with the good news so I will too.
My first PET scan was July 7th. I vividly remember sitting in the office and watching the video of that scan and how my tumor illuminated the whole screen. He started by showing me the original video again today so I could have a clear image in my mind of where we started just 3 months ago. I’m so thrilled to share that when he showed me the video today, I didn’t even see the tumor until he pointed it out to me. It was so dull and small that I missed it entirely. I see what he meant when he explained that a big portion of the remaining tumor is filled with dead cells too - the new images clearly show a chunk of the tumor is dark. It was emotional to see those images and see my progress and know how hard I’ve worked to get this far (yes, laying on the couch recovering from chemo is hard work). I can tell that my oncologist is really pleased with himself as well - isn’t that what you want in a doctor? I do! I want him to be super confident he’s doing exactly what needs to be done to cure this. We had a good conversation about where my head is at. I assured him I’m not planning on quitting now that we can see that all of this is working. I know we still have a long way to go but I know that we’re headed in the right direction. He told me that attitude is good because we need to talk about next steps. Oh crap - here we go - the bad news.
I knew that after I completed my REPOCH 100 hour chemo that I would then need a few rounds of additional chemo as a preventative measure since my type of cancer has a high probability of coming back (and often comes back in the brain for some reason - I’m not about to google brain cancer). For some foolish reason, I assumed this preventative chemo would be less intensive than the chemo I’ve been getting. Why did I assume this? Has anything about my cancer been normal or easy? Why would I think I would be able to be one of those regular chemo patients who get hooked up for a few hours once a week? No not me - it’s because I’m special. He then explained to me that my preventative chemo would be IN-PATIENT at the hospital that takes 4 or 5 days and I’ll be needing 3 rounds. So essentially, my chemo rounds 7, 8, & 9 will be just like my first round - I’ll be trapped in a visitor-free hospital yet again. I pulled out my calendar as he started to mention the dates for the remaining cycles and with the holidays coming up, I know I’ll be devastated if I have to spend them in the hospital. He said he’s going to do whatever he can to let me be home for Christmas. I certainly was not prepared for the news of another 3 weeks in the hospital. As uncomfortable as I am doing my chemo at home, it still beats having to spend 5 days in the hospital. It’s a lot to deal with right now - thinking about everything I’m going to miss out on while I’m gone, how much harder it will be for Eric and the kids’ zoom school without me there - I just hate the hospital so much it gives me a lot of anxiety just thinking about it. There were a few tears shed after that bombshell, but I have to remember that my doctor knows what he’s doing, his plan is working, and I’m not a quitter. It’s just a few more months and then we can put all of this awfulness behind us. I’m not sure I thought this was totally curable when we started treatment, but now I can see the end in sight and can envision myself at the other end as a cancer survivor (think of Harry Potter staring into that mirror in book 1). If all goes according to plan, I’ll be done with treatment by the end of January and returning to work just after Valentine’s Day 2021.
