Round 4 Here We Go
After the great news we got on Thursday, I certainly was looking forward to some celebrating over the weekend - My last good weekend for another 3 weeks. The news about my shrinking tumor was just the sort of motivator I needed to keep pushing forward. Now that we know this treatment is working I feel more determined than ever to be done with it.
Friday I was able to take my mom out to lunch with the kids to celebrate her birthday (before my biweekly trip to Kaiser for more bloodwork of course). It was so nice to sit outside on the patio and have a delicious meal all the while feeling good.
Saturday morning I was feeling so good that I was even able to go to the grocery store - My first time in months. It was my first time going to a grocery store since I lost my hair too, so of course I got a lot of concerned and pitying looks - I’ve gotten used to that. I do really appreciate that people seem to be nicer to me when they can tell I’m obviously going through my own personal hell. Not unlike the way people treat you differently when you’re pregnant - but better because nobody is coming up and rubbing my belly this time. Why can’t we always treat people this way. Maybe I’ll make T-shirts (Treat everyone as if they’re fighting cancer)… maybe not.
Next up on the Saturday agenda was a lovely visit with our favorite horse Larry in the Coto de Caza Equestrian Center - and his owners Kylie & Jason. Kylie was our babysitter (before COVID), and she has so generously invited us to visit her horse several times. The kids love him and have really enjoyed their riding lessons and learning how to clean and feed him. This time we brought some apples and carrots and got to feed several of the horses there. After being cooped up in the house all the time with us, this is such a treat to get to be outside doing something so fun and new.
Saturday night was our monthly romantic date night - we’ve always loved going out on dates (in the past they always involved concerts), but now they have a much more profound meaning behind them. Not only do they mark the end of cycle where I feel good leading up to my next round of chemo, but they also let Eric and I reflect on how we’re doing in this new relationship that has been changed because of my cancer. He is my full time caretaker and I’m sure when he said “in sickness and in health” almost 12 years ago, he never expected this. He cooks all of the meals, he does all of the dishes and laundry, and he reminds me to take my medicine and encourages me to rest when he knows I’m trying too hard to help, he gets the kids ready and sets them up for their distance learning, he works full time from home starting his day before 5 am, and he still loves me and tells me so often. This isn’t the way I pictured our relationship going - I miss being able to take care of him, but I’ve had to put my ego and sense of wifely responsibility aside and allow other people to step in and take care of all aspects of my life. It reminds me of how loved I am, but I really hope one day soon I’ll be able to repay all of the favors I’ve received.
Our dinner was amazing - we went to Water Grill in Costa Mesa. We felt safe and sat in the patio and enjoyed one of the most delicious meals we’ve ever had. Since I’m supposed to avoid red meat, we’ve been choosing mostly seafood restaurants - and this one certainly hit the spot. Even in this crazy time of COVID regulations and cancer treatments, it is so nice to feel like a normal person every once in a while. And of course I love an excuse to wear my fancy hair.
Sunday was my mom Gretchen’s birthday so we went to her house to let the kids swim and celebrate her birthday - along with my nephew Owen (whose birthday was on the 14th) who traveled down from San Francisco with my sister Heather so she can help with driving me back and forth to treatment this week. My sister Sam and her family came too so all the cousins and sisters could hang out. I feel like because of Heather coming down so often to help with my chemo regimen, we’ve been getting together as a family more this year than ever before - Thanks distance learning and remote working! We had a great time celebrating birthdays with lots of food and several different cakes and also celebrating the beginning of my 3rd quarter. I’m over the hump, past the half way point, and the end zone is near!
Monday was Chemo Round 4 Day 1 and when I arrived, I was disappointed to find out that my oncologist had a change of heart (no not heart - brain i guess would be more accurate) on the dosages of my chemo. He had told me last week that he thought I could handle going up to level 3 for most of the drugs in my chemo cocktail, but after seeing my bloodwork from Friday, he decided to keep me at level 2 again. I know I haven’t handled the last few rounds perfectly, but I was really hoping he would increase the dosages to improve the likelihood of us staying ahead of this fast growing cancer. I have to put my trust in him and hope that he is doing what’s best.
After my last few rounds, I’m understandably anxious about this one. With all of the nasty side-effects I’ve experienced so far, I’m terrified of them coming back or getting worse - or, who knows, some new ones coming out to play this time. I like to think I’m more prepared this time to avoid the ones I’ve seen before. I now am armored with a combination of powders and liquids to mix into a smoothie to assist in getting the toxins out of my body during and after chemo in the hopes that my digestive system can handle the poison better. I also have a powder to help with the neuropathy thanks to suggestions I’ve received from this blog. I have disgusting dissolvable potassium supplements. I have stronger neulasta shots to help my white count stay up after chemo. I have a new pump to avoid the mechanical issues I had in the last round. Hopefully that will be enough to have a smooth and hassle free round 4.
I’ve been on the bag for almost 2 days now and so far so good. I’m on my 2nd Red Devil which will be over around 1 pm Wednesday afternoon and then I’ll have 2 more after that. I was so thrilled to make it through the first night without any beeping or error messages and as I type this I’m sure I’ve just jinxed myself. I’m still choosing to sleep on the couch during my chemo week as this uncomfortable robot purse is just too much to handle in bed with my husband. I keep thinking there must be a better way - a better system - but all in all, this is so much better than being chained to a hospital bed.
I can’t publish this post today without acknowledging that 11 years ago today my dad lost his battle with cancer. Yes, okay he technically died of COPD, but it was all because of his cancer, which was in his throat and jaw that gave him the COPD. I’m learning more and more that people who have cancer, don’t always die of cancer. Cancer sufferers and even cancer survivors often die of complications from treatment or the residual effects of what cancer or chemo did to their bodies years after they entered remission - take your pick - organ failure, stroke, pneumonia, aneurysm, high blood pressure and damage to blood vessels. A large study has found that people who have survived cancer and its treatment are more likely to die sooner and have a shorter lifespan compared to those who have never had cancer - this is why I shouldn’t be googling things. My dad lost his cancer battle after treatment and remission at the age of 61 - more than 10 years after his diagnosis. He had about a dozen surgeries, radiation, and fought like hell to be cancer free. He died less than a year after walking me down the aisle and giving me away. I know he fought hard to be able to be there for me on my wedding day and I also know he doubted he would be able to make it. I know this because he told my mom to have me move up my wedding date after all of the deposits had been paid and “save the dates” had been sent. My mom told him there’s no way we’re changing the date and he’s just going to have to stick around long enough to come - which of course he did. I didn’t find out about this until after he had passed and I’m sure my mom was grateful her threats worked (she can be very convincing). Cancer has killed off so many men in my life. In addition to my dad in 2009, I lost my grandpa Bob in 2010, and my uncle Ron in 2019 - I guess I needed to make the shift for more female representation? I can only imagine those 3 men sitting up in heaven, looking down and being so unbelievably pissed that this is happening to me. Nobody should have to deal with this kind of torture and I think our family has suffered enough.
I’m trying to be kind to myself and let myself rest as much as possible. I am learning more and more that 100+ hour infusions are not for the weak, so I must be strong. If I keep saying it, then it will become true. I get so many stunned looks and questions from the nurses and phlebotomist I see on a regular basis when they hear about my treatment schedule. Many have never heard of such a thing, which makes me feel both terrified and proud. I’m proud that I’m getting through this, proud that it’s working, proud I have the ability to continue. I’ll never be able to accurately describe what this experience has been like. What it feels like to be in unbelievable pain, to feel poison pulsing through my veins, to have my whole body ache from the inside out, to not even recognize the person I’ve become. I know now that I’m stronger than I thought I was and I most definitely will get through this. I’ve come too far to let it beat me now.
