Now we can begin to heal
Deep breath…. that feels better. Last week was incredibly trying and not just because of chemo. I felt like I was holding my breath all week and now I can finally breathe again. I feel hopeful and revitalized and encouraged and just so much relief. I had faith in a process, I listened to the advice of my doctors, and now I can begin to heal - we all can.
Friday was so emotional for me at the infusion center. It was a long painful week of chemo - sleeping on the couch, hot sweats, beeping pump, and since it was my 6th and presumed final round with REPOCH, it felt like a small miracle that I had finally made it. I am proud of myself for getting through this part of my treatment, but I don’t want to get too excited just yet until we see that clear scan. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and the hardest thing I’ve ever put my body through and I don’t think I’ll ever recover fully from it. I wasn’t always sure I would make it through - it really did feel like they were trying to kill me. I’ve lost so much because of cancer - my energy, my appearance, my confidence, my eyelashes - and I really hope I can start to work to get those things back. I showed up on Friday with a big box of See’s candy for all of the chemo nurses as my thank you even though there’s really nothing I could say or do that would appropriately explain my gratitude for all of them. I was a weepy mess in that chair by the end of the week but it’s still hard to put into words all of the emotions going through my mind. When a patient “graduates” chemo, they get to ring a bell in the infusion center on their last day, but I wasn’t ready to ring it on Friday even though it was technically my last round there. That round 6 marked the end of my cancer treatment, but knowing I still have 3 more in-patient rounds as a preventative chemo made me unable to say that I’m done. Most of it is superstition, but there’s still a real fear that my scan won’t come back clear and I’ll be right back in the infusion center. But for now, I’m focusing on the fact that I have a whole month off of chemo and that in itself feels great. In addition to that, I no longer need to get my blood drawn twice a week. Apparently the reason they needed me to do bi-weekly bloodwork was to determine the dosage of my chemo, so I get a little break. I still need to get my PIC line dressing changed once a week - but that’s nothing. I was seriously running out of veins, and now I can give them a break for a while - what will I ever do with all of this free time?
In the last post, I said I would circle back to the end of my good week before starting round 6 so here goes. I always look forward to the weekend right before chemo when Eric and I get to have our date night, but this time it was also Halloween and I’m so glad I was feeling good to celebrate with the kids. Since we couldn’t trick-or-treat this year, we planned something special for the kids and managed to keep it a secret too. We made reservations to have lunch at Downtown Disney and then meet up with Maggie’s BFF Amelie and her mom Carolyn. When the kids found out they were so excited! I hadn’t been to Downtown Disney since COVID hit, but we knew it would be busy so we got down there extra early. In full costumes, we got to wander and shop amid the magical ambiance of Disney, and it was perfect. We sat outside on the balcony of the Uva Bar Restaurant with a terrific view and then got to see our friends and shop some more. After that, we made our way to see all of the grandparents so everyone could see the kids in their costumes. At night we had a candy hunt where the kids searched by flashlight around the house for little pumpkins filled with candy - like an Easter egg hunt - it was the kids’ idea - and we ended the night watching Hocus Pocus. Creating new memories is something that I’m always thinking about. I want to make sure the time we spend together is meaningful and positive, and it doesn’t always work out that way, but I think we nailed it on Halloween.
The day after Halloween was Eric and my date night - this time we picked Selanne’s in Laguna Beach. This was probably my favorite of the places we’ve gotten to try recently. We wore masks, sat out in the patio, and stayed as safe as possible. To anyone in SoCal - I highly recommend this one. It was a great night.
So, that brings up back up to now. Round 6 is over, no more red devils, no more orange devil either. All is right in the world.
I’m now a few days into my bad week - the week filled with shots that hurt my bones - and I’m still on the 2 shots a day program. Currently it hurts to move my head and neck, hurts to bend or straighten my legs, hurts to swallow, my jaw is throbbing, all of my joints are swollen, hugs are excruciating, but that’s okay. I’m still filled with overwhelming relief just knowing I’m done with the worst of my chemo treatment and I now have a month off. It feels weird to think I could be cancer free right this second. It’s like when you’re trying to get pregnant, but it’s too early to take a test and you wander around thinking you might be pregnant. I will have another PET scan the first week of December and then 12/10 I’ll check back in to the hospital for the first of my 3 in-patient preventative chemo rounds. This is the longest break from chemo I’ve had since beginning my treatment in July and it couldn’t have come at a better time. My body and brain need to rest and recuperate so badly and we’re even going to squeeze in a few days in Palm Springs with the kids as well. We had to cancel our annual family vacation this summer and with virtual learning, working from home, and cancer - we need a little vaca! Thanks you to our friends Rachel & Phil for being so generous with your home. We can’t wait!
It’s been a long road to get here, and while I’m not yet done, I think it’s okay to celebrate the milestone of getting to this point. I survived chemo and now I feel like I could do anything.
