21 Things
Happy Thanksgiving!
Well, I’m not sure how happy it is, but we’re going to do our best. This shitty year is almost over and I really hope that next year will be better, but for today I’m going to try to be thankful for everything I have. I’m setting aside being mad at the world or sad for myself and I’m choosing to be thankful - and yes, I’m making a list of course.
I’m thankful for my husband Eric. I know I’ve said it before, but this guy is the absolute best. He puts all other husbands to shame with how much he does. Full time working from home, makes the meals, does all the laundry and dishes, takes care of all of us. I’m thankful for him every day.
My job - granted I haven’t worked since July (and haven’t worked in the office since March). It was such weird timing to get a new job in January just to be hit with a global pandemic right as I was starting to figure out what it was I did there -then figuring out how to work from home while adjusting to distance learning with the kids. And right as I was getting the hang of that setup - boom - cancer. But man oh man, for a job I barely had before going on disability, I can’t believe the outpouring of support I’ve gotten from my coworkers and boss. I feel so guilty for this all happening - like really, you just hired me and then a few months in I’m having to take 6 months off for medical leave. And yet, they’ve all been so kind and check in with me to see how I’m doing and they’ve assured me that I have a job to come back to when I get better - and they all seem excited to welcome me back - me, a lady who just started working there and was still learning how to do my job. If I were them, I’d be looking for a loophole about letting someone go while they’re on long term disability - but not them - and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.
My health insurance. We had Kaiser years ago and loved it, but I haven’t had a job that even offered it since before Harrison was born. Again with the weird timing of my new job - a job that has an amazing Kaiser plan. Who could have predicted this would be the year I would really need excellent medical coverage? I have read a lot about other cancer patients spending tens of thousands on their chemo treatments and hospital stays, but not with this plan. My chemo is 100% covered at no cost, labs are $10, hospital stays (which I will have had 6 by the end of my treatment) are $500, and PET scans are $100. This is so much less than they would be if I had a traditional PPO with another provider. I love Kaiser and I don’t care who knows it.
My family of course. I truly have the best family - one of those families other people wish they could be a part of. My parents and in-laws live super close and help with the kids every week, my sisters have been amazingly supportive and helpful, my extended family of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles have all continuously reached out and sent gifts and cards. They’ll never know how much it means to me to feel so loved by them.
My kids. While they’re not perfect and they certainly drive me crazy from time to time, they have been so great through all of this. We’ve been very open and honest with them about my treatment and cancer and what’s going on - maybe more open than we should have been. I’ve answered their questions as honestly as I could while still letting them know that everything is going to be okay. They have adapted to this new normal better than I could have expected. They’re not scared of me or my bald head - to them, I’m just mom.
For Diet Coke. Ok Ok I know I shouldn’t drink it as much as I do, and I recognize it’s a silly thing to be thankful for, but come on - it’s delicious. I can’t drink alcohol right now, but at least I can have my beloved diet coke. It was even on the list of questions I had for my oncologist the first time I met with him and he said I could have it. For the week of chemo and the week after my taste buds are all out of whack and I don’t drink them because they taste like carbonated water - so it’s one of the things I really look forward to once my tastes go back to normal.
For getting out of town tomorrow. Our friends Rachel and Phil have so generously offered us their home in Palm Desert for a getaway and we’re all so excited. We had to cancel our vacation this year of course, and we’re all going a little stir crazy being cooped up in this house together. It will be so nice to see something new, stay somewhere else, and make some new memories. We already have our tickets to go to the Living Desert Zoo and up the Tramway.
Low Key Holiday. The holidays are always filled with rushing around town, stressing about gifts, and spending too much money - but not this year. I’m thankful for a slower pace this holiday season and hopefully less stress along with that.
My mom - true she’s part of the aforementioned “family”, but she deserves a separate callout. I can’t imagine the fear for a parent facing a cancer diagnosis for a child - okay maybe I can imagine. It would be the worst thing ever. Your whole life you try to protect your children from harm, but the sad realization is that you can’t protect them from cancer. My mom has been my rock through all of this - she hasn’t seemed scared in front of me (but I know she is), she has driven me around to all of my appointments, she’s come over daily for my injections, brought me countless meals and groceries, takes my kids for overnights on a regular basis, and so much more. She’s the best and I hope someday to be able to repay her somehow.
For medical cannabis. Pain, anxiety, help with sleep - what can’t this stuff do? THC, CBD, drops, gummies, flower, lotion, mints, beverages - you name it. I’m thankful for all of it. Better than popping opioids right? I say yes.
My friends - without a doubt, the best a girl could have. I wish so badly that we all lived closer, but I guess that doesn’t matter in this time of COVID. Not a day goes by that I don’t get a call or text or letter or snapchat from one of my amazing friends. Some from high school, some from elementary school that I haven’t seen in decades, some from college who live thousands of miles away, some friends I’ve known forever and some I’ve just recently met. Friends who I know through other friends, some I’ve met through my husband, some I know from concerts, some I met at past jobs, some I used to know when I was a kid who have reached out to me because of my diagnosis to tell me that they’re thinking of me. No matter how I know you or how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other in real life, I love all of you and I appreciate you more than you know. I love it when I get a message from someone telling me they’re thinking of me and want to check in to see how I’m doing. I know it can make people feel awkward or uncomfortable or talk to me or ask me questions about my treatment or cancer - but it really shouldn’t. No matter if you check in with me every day, or if you’ve been too nervous to reach out, or you think it’s been too long since the last time you’ve reached out and you think it would be weird to all of a sudden reach out now - I know all of you are cheering me on and thinking about me.
For cooler weather. Finally it’s starting to cool down (like high 60s low 70s) and for someone who now gets hot flashes and night sweats, I’m definitely thankful for some cooler temps. I even managed to wear my wig all evening without sweating to death.
Sleeping in. When I was in college, I would schedule my classes so that I could sleep in and get in a nap in between classes. I love sleeping, that’s all there is to it. Being home has allowed me and my body time to rest and get as much sleep as I want. The kids get up and head downstairs and Eric makes them breakfast so I can sleep in. Not since I had kids have I had the luxury of sleeping in and I really am loving it. I know this opportunity is rare and won’t last too much longer, so I’m going to enjoy it while I can.
The online cancer community. This is like a club I never wanted to belong to, but now I’m so grateful it’s there. I’ve connected with so many other young women on Instagram and Facebook through various cancer groups and I’ve been able to ask questions about treatments and procedures. We share memes and jokes only we understand. There are some truly amazing young women I’ve had the pleasure to get to know. Reading their stories and getting to know them has made me more humble and grateful and feel so supported. It’s nice to feel less alone.
All the True Crime Podcasts! There are so many out there and I think I’ve listened to them all. Of course I have my favorites - mostly ones with women hosts. Especially during my chemo week when I’m stuck in a chair for hours every day, but I really do listen to various murder podcast daily. They help me relax - I listen while I’m trying to fall asleep or unwind. Hit me up if you need some recommendations.
For outdoor dining. This is a new trend that’s come about because of COVID that I’m really hoping will stay. There’s something so relaxing to have a meal outside and I really do feel safer dining this way. Eric and I have enjoyed our date nights and finding a little bit of normalcy.
Quick showers. All my life I’ve had long thick hair and for years I’ve been blow drying it and straightening it every day. It will certainly be an adjustment to go back to that routine, but for now, I’m really loving the fact that I’m in and out of the shower in 5 minutes.
Ocean View Virtual Academy. I’ve been blown away with how great our school district has adapted to their Virtual Academy. I swear, our teachers must have been working all summer long on the countless videos and lessons they had to record. The kids love their teachers and they’ve been so kind with understanding our situation. We love the flexibility too - we’re definitely finding our groove.
Pinterest. Certainly not something I’m just now discovering, but since I’ve been home I’ve really enjoyed getting to cook more. I used to love cooking and baking, but in the past few years I really haven’t done much of it. Being a working mom makes cooking much more challenging and most nights it was the last thing I wanted to do after a long day at the office. Now that I have time, and while I’m feeling good, it’s something I’ve really enjoyed getting back into. I’ve tried out so many crockpot recipes, bought a cast iron pan, several new cookie trays, and even a potato ricer. For our thanksgiving dinner, I made the mashed potatoes & green beans. It’s fun to pretend to be a stay-at-home-mom for a small time. Something I never thought I would have the opportunity to do.
Cooling sheets. After the last round of chemo when I was having to sleep downstairs with the fan blasting, I decided we needed to get some of those cooling sheets. We just bought cheap ones on Amazon, but man do they work. It’s so nice not to wake up in a puddle of sweat.
Music. Seems simple enough - everyone should be thankful for music in my opinion. Last weekend Eric and I participated in our first virtual concert. As someone who us used to going to 15-20 concerts a year, this year really has been a bummer, so it was nice to get to see some live music from the comfort of our home. It’s not the same, but it felt close. When the concert began I immediately burst into tears. I suddenly had all of these terrible thoughts, like what if I die and never get to go to another concert in person again. No, I simply won’t let that happen. I need concerts to save my sanity. Concerts with my husband are my happy place.
I hope all of you have as many things to be thankful for this year. It’s always a good idea to slow down and really think about what’s making you happy or at peace or hopeful or calm. There’s a lot on my list of things that I’m pissed about, but turns out, I have a lot to be thankful for too. Cancer brings prospective like I’ve never experienced and I hope that doesn’t end when I’m cancer free and back to my old life.
