201 Days Later
That’s right - It’s been 201 days since my official cancer diagnosis. I can’t quite tell if that feels like a long time or a short time though. I mean, it’s less than a year, just a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things - but at the same time, that’s a lot of days filled with fear and pain. I guess it can be both. It probably feels longer for me than people on the outside looking in. My whole life has been cancer centric for those 201 days. I feel like cancer has been my full time job, it’s been on my mind every second of every day since July 1st making it impossible to think of much else. It feels selfish or self-indulgent to be so focused on myself, but I know that’s what’s necessary to properly listen to my body and what I’m feeling and where I’m hurting. As I get closer to completing treatment and getting back to a cancer free life, I’m looking forward to having conversations that don’t revolve around me. That being said, I do still hope people will check in with me to see how I’m doing. Post cancer Molly will probably be struggling mentally and emotionally with how to get back to normal life after such a traumatic experience while forever being terrified the cancer will return at any second.
Hair Update - It’s been 10 weeks since I ended REPOCH chemo and I think I can officially say I’m no longer bald. I have hair again and a lot of it. It’s growing in super thick and I think it’s going to be curly. It’s all kind of leaning one direction. It’s past the spiky stage and now feels soft like puppy hair - but it’s really gray so I may look into dying it once it gets a little longer. Also, my eyebrows are crazy thick and bushy. When my hair started falling out, I was more sad about losing my eyebrows and eyelashes than I was about my hair. Having no eyebrows or eyelashes is such a weird moon-face look and I will not miss that at all. I finally have eyelashes again too - not that long, but long enough to finally wear mascara again. This weekend was the first time in 6 months where I left my house without anything covering my head. I went to a doctor appointment yesterday with nothing covering my hair and it was liberating. It almost looks like this haircut was intentional - like I’m some cool and confident chick with a buzzed head. I don’t hate it. I can’t wait to see how it grows and changes with each passing week. I feel like my hair growth is the outward result of my body healing. It’s how we can all gauge how far I’ve come since chemo and as my hair grows longer, I'm getting farther and farther away from that time in my life when I was dying.
I have 1 more week (6 days actually) until I go back for my 9th and final round of chemo and I’m weirdly excited about it. Such a difference from how I felt after my 1st round of methotrexate before Christmas where I was trapped in a hospital for 11 days, desperate to get out and never waning to return, and now I’m actually excited to get back and get it done. When I left the hospital last week after completing my 2nd round of methotrexate, my oncologist asked how long I needed to heal before coming back for the next round and I conservatively said 2 weeks, I was already nervous that wasn’t going to be enough time at home, but surprisingly, I feel like I could have even gone back in this week and I would have been fine. I’m not saying that I feel great, I wouldn’t even say that I feel good, but I feel fine enough to get back in there and finish all of this awfulness. I’m not looking forward to the nausea or headaches that comes with methotrexate or about being away from my family for another week, but I feel stronger and more optimistic than I have in a long time - maybe even since this whole journey started.
So I will return for my last round next Monday and will hopefully be out of the hospital by the end of January. My oncologist has extended my disability yet again to allow for me to recover for 6 weeks after my last cycle ends before returning to work. So that means my back to work date is set for Monday March 15th. I’m weirdly excited about this too. It will be a nice distraction from all of the cancer thoughts floating around in my head and I’m looking forward to feeling like I’m accomplishing something with my day. Oh and getting a paycheck will be a nice change too after 8 months without one. I’m not yet sure about my energy level, but I’m hopeful that since I’ll be working entirely from home, that I’ll be able to go at my own pace and rest when I need to. It will be interesting to navigate both Eric and me working from home while both kids are distance learning, but I’m sure we’ll all figure it out. Harrison will have to learn to work more independently since I’ve been sitting with him during class since the beginning of the school year (except for the weeks where I was in the hospital). I’m grateful that both Eric and my companies have been so flexible and are still allowing employees to work from home - there’s no way I would feel comfortable going back into an office yet - and I’m sure I don’t have the energy to work from home and handle the kids zoom schedule by myself like we did last school year when Eric was still going into the office everyday.
This week is filled with doctors appointments, bloodwork, my 6th COVID test, and one more date night before heading back to the hospital on Monday to wrap up my chemo journey (hopefully forever). Maybe I’ll be ready this time to finally ring that bell.
10 Weeks of New Hair Growth
I was reflecting this week on my hair journey and thought I’d share the full length buzz cut video as opposed to the sped up version I posted back in August. I’m glad to have this sweet moment with my family - don’t judge the times when I’m screaming at my kids (or my mom :-)