2 Years Down
I know, I know, it’s been 6 months since I last wrote anything, but I think I needed a good long break. I’ve been trying really hard to live in the now and to be present for myself and my family and I just haven’t had anything notable to say regarding this journey of mine. So, let’s back up a bit…It’s been 2 whole years since I first heard those terrible words, 2 whole years since I started fighting the big C, 2 whole years of pain and trauma and fear. But in those 2 year, man, I can’t even begin to tell you about the incredible growth I’ve experienced, about the people I’ve met, and stories I’ve heard, and humanity I’ve seen. Life is truly a magical thing that a lot of us are too scared or busy to really experience and within this cancer community that I’ve gotten to know so well, I’ve learned so much about what is actually important to me and how I want to spend my days. I’ve said it before, but getting older is a privilege that isn’t guaranteed and I don’t want to waste anymore of my time spent on things that don’t make me happy. It’s a good kind of selfish. A reflective, introspective, thoughtful kind of self-care that I hope I can pass on to my kids and those around me. And I guess part of that selfishness has been why I haven’t forced myself to keep up with blogging if I don’t feel like it - until now.
I’m reminded by my oncology team often that I should look at each passing day that goes by without the reemergence of my cancer as a win and I’m trying hard to do that. That said, this 2 year milestone feels like a bigger win - I’m sure that the 3rd year will feel even bigger. I’m currently still cancer free! Since I ended chemo in Dec of 2020 and then radiation in May of 2021, I have been getting bloodwork every 3 months and CT scans every 6 months. I had my last CT scan in February and my last bloodwork in May and so far so good. My oncologist said that my blood levels have never looked better. I’ll have my next CT scan in August, right before we go on our annual Yosemite trip, and I have no reason to think that scan will show anything aside from the annoying (but dead) residual tumor in my belly. If my next CT scan comes back clear, then I’ll be put on the 1 scan a year plan going forward. I’m told this is a big deal and will certainly call for a celebration. I don’t think my brain has allowed me to actually celebrate any of these wins yet. Don’t get me wrong, I still find lots of other things to celebrate, but I can’t quite get to the place where I can celebrate being cancer free. There’s certainly a big part of me that still thinks the monster will come back and take me down, and I guess I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’m sure all cancer survivors struggle with that. We’ve seen too many times that just when you think you’re out of the woods, it comes back. But I think the important thing for now is to try to find the joy in each day and do what makes me happy and buy all the concert tickets and go on all the trips and spend as much time as I can sitting in the sun watching my kids play. I don’t take life as seriously as I used to. I’m learning to let myself relax more. I don’t stress as much about things that used to really get to me. Life is too short for that shit.
Alright, let’s get into some post cancer/chemo/radiation side-effects. It’s been over a year since I stopped treatment and I still don’t feel great. That part really sucks. Every day I get up and I’m tired and achy and wobbly and there’s just nothing I can do about it. I think I fake it really well, but I miss that feeling of taking a deep breath in the morning and just feeling good. I’d say the best I’ve gotten in the past 2 years is just feeling okay. My treatment has definitely caused my body to age more - I feel like I have the body of a 80 year old lady with achy joints who shuffles around. When I saw my oncologist last time he asked how I was feeling and I started to list off the things that were causing me grief - it takes me a long time to get going in the morning, I have aches and pains, my bones hurt, I can’t move quickly, I have headaches… and after each complaint, he said, “that’s because we pumped you full of poison to save your life”. And I was like, yeah I get that, but my back hurts, and I can’t get comfortable, and I don’t sleep well, and he just said, “yeah because we pumped you full of poison to save your life”. So I guess this is just my new normal. I’m alive and cancer free but I just feel okay - and that has to be enough for now. Edibles help. So does wine. Oh and my brain is still broken. This is probably the most frustrating side-effect. I am still struggling with my short term memory, multitasking, and focusing. My cognitive damage has been overwhelming at times and I know it’s irritating for the kids and Eric too. They constantly have to remind me of things and repeat themselves. I can’t tell which one of us is more annoyed about it. My leg is still numb in spots, but I think I’ve mostly gotten used to that. Overall, I just feel more fragile now - physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m cracked and damaged, but I’m hoping with time and rest and patience, it will improve.
So let’s get to the good stuff. The kids just got out of school last week and we are certainly looking forward to this summer. The kids had an amazing year at school. This was their first year at Hawes in HB since we moved here last summer and it was their first time back in a classroom since the ‘19-’20 school year. I was really worried about how they were going to do and how quickly they were going to adapt, but as always, these kids blew me away. Maggie is now a 5th grade graduate and will be starting middle school next year (I know - scary), and Harrison is going onto 2nd grade and will be in the Gate program (I’m more surprised than you). They both made a ton of friends and we met so many awesome parents. Maggie, who now goes by Margaret, has such a fun and funny friend group. They remind me so much of me and my friends when I was 11 (who all still happen to be my best friends to this day). They’re silly and creative and not afraid to be themselves and I hope that continues into middle school. Harrison has really grown this year and has become such a good student and is so proud of himself for his accomplishments. So far this summer, Margaret has been busy with play dates and making bracelets and planning a babysitters club, while Harrison has gotten to go to Lego/Minecraft camp through the city. Both kids have several other week long camps we’ve signed up for including a Broadway camp, science lab camp, and robot camp. Then at the end of August we’ll be heading north to Groveland and Yosemite for a week to unwind and disconnect. It’s our favorite vacation and we look forward to it all year long. This year the park should be totally reopened - last year the busses weren’t running and staff was limited due to COVID. I’m just excited to float in the lake and eat all the curly fries from the snack shack. It’s the little things. Next year, Harrison will head back to Hawes without his big sister, which will certainly be a change for him, but I think he’ll enjoy it. Margaret will get to walk to middle school without us by her side, which I think she’s a little nervous about. We live just across the street from the middle school, so I’m expecting our house to be the meeting spot in the morning and the afternoon snack stop on the way home - which is fine with me. I love being within walking distance of the schools. It’s been such a blessing to get to be so close to the kids while Eric and I are still working from home. I never in my life thought I would get to be with all the other parents waiting for the bell to ring so that I could walk my kids home at the end of the day. I love that I have the flexibility to step away from my desk for a half an hour in the afternoon to get to be there for them and see their smiling faces. It’s a part of being a working mom that I thought I had to sacrifice and I now have this balance that I never thought was possible. Work is still challenging and busy and stressful, but I’m trying to manage the stress so it doesn’t get the better of me. I get mad when I feel myself get overworked and picnicked about some work emergency because that’s not what I want to waste my energy on. Work is not something I want to be scared of or stressed about. I’m done wasting my weekends worrying about Monday. In order to be happier, I need to let myself walk away at the end of the day feeling like I’ve made progress and not looking at all of the rest of the tasks I still have to do. It’s not helping anything. I have more important things to spend my energy on. But I’ve learned that it’s all in the mindset. It’s an intentional choice to be happy and leave the stress for actual emergencies. Emergencies like the health of my kids or the happiness of my marriage. Work emergencies are not real emergencies. Say it with me. We’re not saving lives, we’re just selling shopping centers. All in all, I still love my job. I think what I do is important to my team and I think I’m good at what I do. I feel accomplished and proud of what I do and I know we’re able to do more fun things and go to fun places as a family because I work so hard at my job. But I’m determined to remember that my job is not the most important thing about me. The best part about my job is that I get to hang out with Eric all day. He makes me coffee in the morning and makes me lunch every day and he doesn’t even complain that I make him walk around the backyard to get to our office when I’m on a zoom meeting.
As far as what I’ve been up to lately, wow, there’s been a lot. This has been a very busy year for sure. We’ve already seen a ton of concerts, which, as you know, is my happy place. We’ve seen Billie Eilish, Pearl Jam, Rainbow Kitten Surprise, Lord Huron, Imagine Dragons, Coldplay, and Kings of Leon to name a few. We have several more concerts coming up including another trip to Colorado to see The Head and The Heart at Red Rocks. I turned 40 in March and had a birthday party at a restaurant in Newport. It was incredible and filled up my heart to have all of my best friends there for me. Then in April, I went to Las Vegas with Ashley and Torie for CrimeCon - a True Crime Convention. It was a blast and I got to meet my favorite podcasters Caitlin and Sarah from Luminol, along with seeing a ton of other true crime celebrities - Paul Holes, Keith Morrison, Andrea Canning, Gil Carrillo, Matt Murphy, and Candice DeLong to name a few. It was definitely a nerdy way to do Vegas, but I loved every second. Then I got to go back to Vegas at the beginning of June to celebrate Pauli’s 40th birthday along with Lindsey, Lisa, and Liza. This trip was far different that the last Vegas trip, but equally as fun. We day clubbed, night clubbed, floated in the lazy river, and drank too many margaritas. These relationships with my girlfriends are so important to me. These are the people I confide in and count on and need in my corner. I hope they all know how much they mean to me and how much I need them in my life.
And I can’t forget to tell you about the newest addition to our family… JoJo! We got a puppy - a huge puppy! Last year when we were in Yosemite, we saw this family with the coolest looking dog and of course we had to stop and ask them what kind of dog it was. They said it was a Sheepadoodle - part Old English Sheepdog and part Standard Poodle. We fell in love. We’ve always had poodles, but this dog was so special. So we got the name of their breeder and had been on the waiting list for months and months, when finally in January we got to bring JoJo home. She has been such a gift for our family. She’s cuddly and funny and has a ton of energy. Everyone at school knows her by name and love saying hi to her every day as she jumps all over them. She’s already 45 pounds and will probably get to over 60 before she’s full grown. We just love her so much and love how much more fun and playful our house is now. We needed a happy distraction and she certainly fit the bill.
Okay, so now I think we’re all caught up. 2nd Cancerversary is in the books and life is good. Keep your fingers crossed for the next scan in August.
