2 Birthdays and a CT Scan
Wow, I feel like I’ve been running for the last few weeks! The world is opening back up and people have been hanging out and things have been happening and it feels great. My last post seems like so long ago - back when I was still only 38! I had just gotten some difficult news about having to do 3 and a half weeks of radiation and I was completely overwhelmed. I was prepared for that news, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s a lot to deal with when you think you’re done and can move on from this torture just to find out that in fact more treatment is needed - but I can’t stop now - I’ve come too far to quit. I feel like I’ve approached every piece of bad news with a thoughtful, “okay, well that sucks, now what do I need to do?” - and I really do feel a lot better about facing radiation now that I’ve had some time to process it. Maybe it’s because I’m older and wiser now.
So the day after I met with my new radiology oncologist was the day I turned 39. My second birthday since COVID hit and it will probably go down as one of my best birthdays yet. Eric and I went out to dinner in Long Beach and sat on the patio with the ocean breeze and all the cocktails. Then the next morning I was up early to go get my first vaccine at the hospital. I had never been so excited to get a shot before in my life. It was very organized and smooth and over quickly. I rushed back home to pack a bag and Eric and headed over to resume the birthday celebration by staying the night at the Pasea hotel in Huntington Beach and getting to watch a concert from the comfort of our hotel room. Seriously one of the best nights I’ve had in years. We enjoyed room service and drinks on the balcony overlooking the ocean and then got to see one of my favorite bands - Cold War Kids. No lines for the bathroom, no expensive watered-down cocktails, no tall guy standing in front of me - this is the way to see a show! We got to hang out in our pajamas as the sun set over the pacific with live music in our ears and it was amazing. Thanks so much to my parents and my in-laws for each taking the kids overnight.
The week after my birthday was Maggie’s 10th birthday. I can’t even believe that my baby girl is now double digits. Since she was five we had been planning on taking her to New York to celebrate her tenth birthday, but we knew that wasn’t going to happen - maybe next year. So instead, she wanted to have a bonfire at the beach and then have her BFF spend the night - so that’s what we did. It was a great day (minus the wind that destroyed the pop-up). We got really sunburned and ate a lot of marshmallows and came home smelling like fire - all the things you expect from a beach birthday party. Maggie had a great time and that’s really all that matters. We took her friend Amelie back home with us so she could spend the night and wake up with us on Easter. The kids all got baskets filled with toys and candy and spent the wee hours of the morning hunting for eggs. We were all exhausted after. I can no longer tell if my fatigue is still residual chemo side-effects or if it’s from how busy we’ve been.
Then last Monday the fun continued when I got to go out for my first happy hour in over a year. I met up with the amazing women I worked with years ago when I worked for the Irvine Company. I hadn’t seen them in years and it was so nice to get together and catch up on what everyone is doing now. I was so touched to hear that they have been following along with my journey and really just made me realize just how big my support group is. I loved that job so much and it was all due to the incredible women who I got to work with. What a rare opportunity to have a job in a total male dominated field like home building and be surrounded by so many kick-ass ladies who paved the way. And man it just felt so good to see people - to have a reason to put on some makeup - and have a glass of wine (or two) - laughing and reminiscing.
The next day (last Tuesday) I had my planning meeting with my radiology team. This was where I would be getting a CT scan and they would be making a body mold for me to lay in during my radiation sessions. I had to get there early so I could drink the barium sulfate in the waiting room before going back. I hate this crap more than anything I’ve had the pleasure of tasting. It’s terrible - truly. I would have rather had the IV (which is the other way they can do a CT scan) but I wasn’t given the option. The barium is the contrast so that they can see my tumor light up during the CT scan. They have to pinpoint the exact location on my body where they’re going to radiate. I got to see the 3 radiation rooms which are comically named Tranquility, Serenity, and Harmony. But why? My nurse escorted me back to the changing rooms which were setup like a department store dressing room with leather chairs out front. I got changed out of my clothes and into a fashionable robe (opening in the back of course) and as I walked out of the stall, I passed by the leather chairs and saw one was now occupied by an older woman sitting and crying. No matter what age you are, it’s never an easy thing to go through. It’s scary and lonely. As I gathered my things there was a younger woman - probably about my age - who walked over to the crying woman and said, “I know this is overwhelming, but it doesn’t hurt and it’s over before you know it." Then she shared that that was her last day of radiation. I wished her a congratulations and she seemed genuinely excited and happy. She was clearly one of the patients who are doing chemo and radiation at the same time as she was completely bald. I don’t know which I would have preferred or which would have been easier - maybe neither. When I went back into the CT room I laid down on a body-sized beanbag. I was told to lay back and relax as the technician and the nurse both took the beanbag and shook it so I would sink into it causing it to curl up around my legs and torso. It’s not a very comfortable position I’ll be in during the treatment - I had to touch my heels together and let my legs fall open so they could get the right angle - which is basically radiating my crotch (excuse me, lower abdomen). Then they pressed a button and air started to be released from the beanbag and it became firm making it difficult to move out of place. I tried my best to relax my body and hold still. Then they started up the CT machine and I tried to take a little nap while I was bare-assed on a lumpy beanbag with my legs spread open. When the scan was over they marked me with 3 Xs in permanent marker and then put plastic stickers over them. Those will be the markers they need to properly line me up when I come back. They then went over the next steps and we booked all of my appointments. I will be returning on Wednesday the 21st for the “dry run” - which will be me getting on the newly formed beanbag mold and laying in the radiation room to make sure the positioning is all accurate. I’ll also be getting my tattoos at that appointment - 3 dots where I currently have the marker Xs - one on each hip and one a few inches below my belly button. I always figured I’d get more tattoos in my life…not sure I would have chosen those locations.
On my way home from the hospital driving through the orange crush, I drove past Angel’s stadium and noticed for the first time in 2 years…people in the stands. It was amazing to see life back in one of my favorite places. There were lots of empty seats of course, but so wonderful to see people out and about and enjoying life again. I was filled with hope to see this progress. A real baseball game with real people getting to experience it and soon I’ll get to join in too. It really feels like it’s all happening.
The rest of the week was busy and productive. Work has been great. The first 2 weeks were stressful and overwhelming and I was really anxious that I wasn’t going to remember how to be productive. I felt underwater and struggled a lot. I was in a constant state of panic as the emails flooded in and I wasn’t able to figure out how to prioritize or get anything completed. I had a call with my boss and he reminded me that this is supposed to be fun. We’re not saving lives and this job is not supposed to add stress. We’re all a part of this work family and we’re here to help and support each other. I feel like that conversation was just what I needed to be able to take a breath and let myself ease back in. Since that conversation I have been able to relax and destress and really put things in perspective. I have finally felt like I’m able to be productive and helpful for my team and that feels so good. I have been proud of myself and how much I’ve been able to do each day, while still trying to be kind to myself and rest when I need to. I truly feel so lucky to have this job and get to work with such amazing and hardworking and thoughtful people. This may be the first time I’ve ever had a job that wasn’t filled with a lot of negativity. Partly because we’re all still working from home, but still. It really does weigh you down to hear people complain about how much they hate their jobs which I feel like is a big part of going into an office - so much negativity that’s so not necessary. My team is positive and helpful and genuine and they make me more motivated to do well and support them. I’m so grateful it’s been an easy transition.
Last night Maggie and I got to go with my mom and sister Sam to see my niece Riley cheer for the first time. She is a freshman this year and until a few weeks ago all of her cheering had been done on zoom with no games to attend. Now they allow for each player or cheerleader to have a few guests at the game so we were lucky enough to get to take those spots last night. I’m so proud of her for going out of her comfort zone and trying out and it was so fun to get to see her out there shaking her pompoms. She is adorable and did so well it made me really nostalgic about high school and all the football games and after parties which really feels like a million years ago.
Then this morning I took Maggie and Harrison for their first Taekwondo class. The did great and it felt good to be outside and good for them to get some exercise. I’m so glad I have kids that like to try new things and aren’t afraid to make new friends. Luckily they didn’t get my social anxiety.
I definitely feel more hopeful and positive and motivated these days. We’ve gotten to do so many fun things these last few weeks and I don’t take any of it for granted. “Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. Let life be like music. And death a note unsaid” ― Langston Hughes.
